Why Do People Still Like Your Ex?

If you’ve gone through a divorce, healing can take time, even if it’s an amicable divorce. That healing can be complicated when your family and friends still stay in touch with your ex. Why do they do that?

Why people still like your ex

Let’s consider the human factor first. Over a period of time, people make emotional bonds with someone who has become a part of the family. Just because you don’t get along with him or her anymore doesn’t automatically mean that others won’t. While it may hurt your feelings, you don’t have control over other people’s relationships.

If your ex (let’s say your ex-husband) is a decent guy but the two of you had irreconcilable differences that caused your divorce, it’s understandable that the family will want to stay in touch. This is especially true if you have children together. Their father is still part of the family, at least biologically, and to many, he may still be part of the family emotionally. They may not like some of his decisions or behaviors that caused you two to break up, but since no one is perfect, they are willing to continue their relationship with him.

But what if he’s not such a decent guy? What if he cheated on you? What if he berates you and the kids, doesn’t pay child support – is basically a deadbeat dad – and yet your family and friends ­– as well as his own – still welcome him with open arms? It can be very difficult to understand why this is happening and how to handle it. 

It is understandable that his family still accepts him. They’re stuck with him. They may be getting a very different story from him and are likely to side with him. Conversely, they may know his personality and want to avoid making waves, especially if you two have children. They would want to still see the kids and wouldn’t want your ex to do anything to prevent that. They may also fear that if they pushed back on him, he might take his anger out on the children. 

When your own relatives continue to accept him, however, you feel betrayed. You’ve severed ties with him for very serious reasons and you feel that they should support you and rally around you.

You’re right. They should. It is possible that they recognize he is unstable and don’t want to make things uncomfortable for you and the children. Or it could be that they are truly insensitive to your feelings. Or it could be that your ex is extremely charismatic and is able to fool people who don’t have to interact with him closely. Perhaps he’s a narcissist and therefore knows how to manipulate people, keeping them unaware of his true nature. Eventually, narcissists are recognized for who they really are, but they do a lot of harm in the meantime. 

How you should respond

Whatever the reason for their continued kindness to your ex, you will need to have a serious discussion with your family about it.

Explain how hurt you are that they are maintaining a positive relationship with your ex and that you feel like they should be supporting you. Ask them why they’re doing it. They may have very valid reasons that will help you understand their position better. Alternatively, they might say hurtful things, like thinking you were more at fault than he was. It is difficult to prepare yourself for such painful words, but if that’s the case, you may already have gotten hints that they feel that way from various comments they’ve made. Be forewarned.

Regardless of their reasons, ask them to consider your feelings and then lay down some boundaries that you request that they follow. Remind them that you two have broken up, it was very painful, and you need time to heal. To do that, you need a complete break from him. 

First, ask for complete privacy. Insist that your family and friends share NO information about you with your ex, even if he asks. They can simply tell him that you have requested privacy and have asked them not to talk to him about you. (Remember to block him from your social media, as well.) 

Next, tell them that you don’t want to hear about him either. If something is important that you need to know, he should inform you about it directly. Ask your family and friends to tell him that, just as you do not want them to talk to him about you, you do not want them to talk to you about him. Therefore, if there is something you need to know, he should not assume they will tell you. They need to instruct him to tell you himself. This prevents him from using your family as a third-party communication platform.

Tell your family and friends that they may not have your ex over when your children are present unless you have already given specific permission. That will prevent him from having additional time with the children that is not in the divorce agreement. 

Finally, tell them that he is not to be invited to any event that you will be attending, for instance, a birthday party or a graduation event.

These are reasonable requests. Once your family understands how you are feeling, they will likely do their best to follow your requests so that you can heal and move on.

If you are still having problems and feel you need to make some changes to your divorce agreement for whatever reason, contact us at our Doylestown, Bucks County office, at (215) 345-5259. We specialize in mediation, collaborative law, child support and custody, and other issues of family law.