When Your Co-Parent Is Not Peaceful
High-conflict co-parenting usually includes refusing to communicate, constantly disagreeing, and ignoring plans and even court orders. Such behavior can negatively impact children and should be minimized where possible.
If you suspect your co-parent is emotionally or physically abusive or is engaging in unsafe behavior around the children, take legal action immediately to protect them. If you do not see a level of abuse or danger to the children, but your ex is being difficult with you, there are certain steps you can take to try to mitigate the problems. If these suggestions do not resolve the issues, you may need to consider legally adjusting your mediated or divorce-ordered agreement.
Possible causes of difficult co-parenting
Your co-parent may fear losing control of the children and become belligerent and uncooperative in order to exert his or her own parental importance. Another person in your ex’s life or stress at work could also be triggering the difficult behavior.
If your ex has a known issue, such as alcoholism, depression, or a mental health problem, your parenting will be complicated by his or her unhealthy behaviors or emotional instability. If these issues existed before the divorce, hopefully they were considered in the child custody arrangements. If not, or they have developed or worsened afterward, you have a very good reason to modify the agreement.
As divorce mediators, we help people talk through their differences and create a legally binding agreement to restructure co-parenting in a way that suits the parents’ new situations while protecting the children. But if your ex is difficult, mediation may not be possible, and it may be necessary to petition the court.
What you can do with a difficult co-parent
First, document all interactions with your ex. You may use email or text, but there are also some excellent apps designed to help divorced or separated co-parents keep track of all communications and shared documents in one place. This will provide you with evidence if it becomes necessary to make legal changes. Some programs include AppClose, WeParent, and OurFamilyWizard. Do some research and find which app may work for you.
Your ex’s behavior probably has nothing to do with you, but it’s always a good idea to evaluate your own behavior and see what you might be able to do differently to ease some of the issues. Don’t let your ex blame anything on you that you do not believe is justified. If you have made a mistake in the past, apologize humbly, inform your ex that your mistake will not be repeated, and request that he or she let the past go and begin fresh with a better relationship, for the sake of the children. Some people cannot let go of the past, however, so if you have tried and have been rejected, let it go.
Review your legal parenting agreement and make sure you are following it exactly. Communicate this to your ex (in writing, preferably through a parenting app) and request that he or she also follow the agreement. This is an important step to take before escalating to mediation or court.
Co-parenting is ideal in a divorce because the children see both their parents interacting in a respectful way. The goal of co-parenting is for both parents to show a united front, even if parenting takes place in two different homes. Having similar rules in both locations, both parents attending childhood events, and both parents being involved in major decisions in the child’s life provide a healthy environment for children.
Parallel parenting
However, if necessary, you can consider parallel parenting. In this arrangement, the parents have very little interaction but are still active in their children’s lives. You can customize parallel parenting to your particular needs, choosing which events each parent will attend or which decisions or actions they are responsible for that the other parent will not engage in. For instance, you could choose to attend the home games of your child’s sport while your ex takes your child to and attends away games. You may decide to take turns attending parent-teacher meetings. You may decide that the custodial parent makes all healthcare decisions.
Parallel parenting, or some level of it, can help eliminate unpleasant interactions and difficulties in coming to agreements on decisions. It can be short-term or long-term. The goal in negotiating changes to your parenting agreement is to establish clear boundaries that will reduce as many problems as possible while doing what is in the best interests of your children.
Self-care
Finally, take care of yourself. You need to guard your own mental and physical health so that you can be the best parent for your children. Consider support groups or counseling, if needed, and engage in pampering and hobbies that give you joy and peace. You may even be able to include your children in your hobbies, which might be even better.
Reach out to us at the Law Office and Mediation Services of Elissa C. Golberg in Bucks County if you believe you need to modify your co-parenting or divorce agreement. The first consultation is free and confidential.