What Do You Do if Your Ex Refuses to Allow Your Child to Go to Counseling?

Children of a divorced couple, just like their parents, are emotionally impacted by the divorce. Many children benefit from professional help to work through their feelings in order to grow past them and develop into emotionally-healthy adults. Both parents need to recognize this and be prepared to offer their children counseling help. 

But what if your ex doesn’t want this? It may seem inconceivable and unjustifiable to you. But your ex may have some very understandable objections. Some concerns I’ve heard in my years of practice here in Bucks County, PA include:

• the other parent talking negatively about him/her to the counselor
• the other parent coaching the child to say certain things
• being blamed for any problems the child may be experiencing
• having to pay a lot, especially if the other parent is responsible for insurance
• believing that your behavior is what’s causing the problem
• not trusting therapy or thinking you’ll “therapist shop” until you find one who will tell the child what you want you want him or her to hear 

While you may disagree strongly with these objections, they are valid fears for your ex. It’s best for your child for you to come to an amicable agreement, so your first step is to determine what your ex-spouse’s objections are and try to allay those concerns. 

Questions to be resolved

Once you understand your ex’s major objections, you may have additional questions that need to be resolved. They may include:

• Does this seem like something that needs to be immediately addressed, such as major behavioral changes or the threat of self-harm, or is there time for the two of you to work out the details?
• Who will choose the therapist?
• Who will pay for the counseling?
• Who will drive your child to therapy?
• Will both of you be present at the counseling sessions?
• Will there be both family and individual therapy? 

Other questions may come up as you talk things through. If the conversation is emotional or very tense, you may want to have the conversation in the presence of an experienced divorce attorney. I would recommend mediation services with an expert in divorce law to help you work through these issues successfully. A mediator will facilitate the conversation and help guide you through conflicts to reach a mutual resolution. 

When nothing else works

If your ex still will not cooperate and you have joint decision-making or joint custody, you may need a court order. Please do not take your child to counseling without your ex’s consent if you’re joint parenting, as you will be in violation of your custody arrangement, which could cause serious future problems. However, if you believe the situation is urgent, we will help you petition the court for an emergency ruling to allow the therapy.

If it is not an emergency, we recommend that you thoroughly document your interaction with the child’s other parent on this issue. Documentation is key to getting a ruling in your favor. 

Keep a log of any verbal communication you have with your ex, and if possible, follow up in writing. For instance, if you have that sit-down conversation, follow up with an email summary, clarifying your understanding of your ex’s objections, the questions you discussed and their outcomes, and an assurance that you understand the other parent’s position but strongly believe this is best for the child. Assure your ex that you have no intention of harming the parent-child relationship he or she has with the child, and in fact, you hope to strengthen it by helping your child become emotionally healthier. Keep track of all interactions in this manner. 

If your ex still objects, send a letter in writing to your ex, clearly stating your desire to provide your child with counseling and your reasons for this. You can send it via mail or email, as long as you have documentation. Include a timeline and consequences, such as, “If you do not reply within 10 days of the date of this letter, then I will assume you are not in agreement with our child receiving therapy and I will file for a court order.” 

If your child’s teacher or another person of authority in the student’s life recommends counseling, get this recommendation in writing, also. This could be included in the letter to your ex. Ideally, you want the permission without having to go through the time and expense of court proceedings, so give your child’s other parent as much incentive as possible to agree to the counseling. 

If he or she still will not concede, it is time to petition the courts. Please contact us before it gets to that point so we can coach you on the best steps to obtain consent (such as mediation) and to have the documentation prepared to submit to the court as soon as possible if your ex does not meet the deadline. Please give me a call at our Doylestown office, (215) 345-5259, for a complimentary initial consultation so that we can discuss your situation.