Telling Your Ex You Are Dating

Whether or not you tell your ex that you are dating depends on a number of factors, including the age of your children (if any), how long you’ve been divorced, and how comfortable your relationship is with your ex. If you have no children or your children are grown and out of the house, you are not obligated to inform your ex at all. You both have completely separate lives. If you will be bringing your new partner to an event that your ex-spouse will also be attending, out of courtesy, let your ex know ahead of time, so he or she will be prepared.

If you have children still at home, you should inform your co-parent of your dating status. At the Law Office of Elissa C. Goldberg, we focus on mediation and collaborative law in divorce arrangements and we encourage couples to discuss the question of dating before they have completed the divorce. It is helpful to have some kind of language in the agreement to help navigate the issue of dating when there are children in the home. By discussing things ahead of time, both spouses will have an existing framework to follow when the time comes for you to try to find love again. 

If you have not discussed the issue of dating with your ex before or you do not have wording in your parenting agreement, we suggest you ask yourself a few questions before sharing:

• How long have we been separated or divorced?
• If our divorce is not final, would my ex be able to use my dating against me in a child custody or support arrangement?
• How will my ex likely respond? Jealousy, anger, tears?
• Is this relationship serious enough to bother telling my ex about it?
• Should I just let my ex know that I’m going to begin to date again and leave it at that? 

If you determine you should tell your ex-spouse that you are dating, we encourage you to be sensitive and respectful of his or her feelings. Reassure your co-parent that you are being discreet around the children and that you will only bring someone into the home who has long-term potential. Your paramount concern is for the emotional and physical safety of your children and you will make sure any person you bring to meet the children will be worthy of them.

Also, reassure your co-parent that she will always be their mother or that he will always be their father. You will never try to undermine that relationship or replace him or her in your children’s hearts. Don’t go into detail about your new romantic partner, mentioning how good-looking, wealthy, or wonderful he or she is. That’s just adding salt to a wound. If the conversation goes negative, or if your ex brings up old disagreements to bludgeon you with, don’t get drawn into the fray. End the conversation quickly and in a dignified manner. Dating after divorce is about starting over. Don’t let your ex disturb your peace.

If you would like to talk to us about your situation or you would like to add wording to your divorce agreement regarding dating after divorce, contact us at our Doylestown, Bucks County office at (215) 345-5259.