Staying in the Family Home During Your Divorce
When a couple divorces, emotions run high, everyone is unsure of the future, and it feels as if everything is changing. Your relationships, friendships, finances, routines, hopes, and dreams all seem to have been turned upside down. When children are involved, these feelings can increase exponentially.
Every good parent wants to spare the children as much disruption and emotional pain as possible. For this reason, some couples choose to share the family home during the divorce. If the couple is able to remain relatively civil and avoid bitterness or violence, this arrangement can work. For most couples who use mediation or collaborative divorce services to help them reach a settlement, this period usually only lasts a few months.
Benefits of sharing the family home
If both spouses are on the title of the family home, they both have a legal right to remain in the house during divorce. There are several definite benefits to this arrangement, the first being financial. Obviously, it is much more economical to pay for the upkeep of one home than two. This allows the spouses to save money until settlement, when either the house is sold or one partner buys out the other partner.
Another significant benefit is the stability and comfort this arrangement can provide the children. While younger children may be tempted to think that “everything is ok now,” it can give parents the opportunity to gently explain to them that this arrangement is only temporary, but that you both love them so much that you want to help them get used to the idea slowly.
You and your spouse may choose to stay in the house at the same time or to take turns—what is being called “nesting.” The name is derived from the behavior of birds, who seem to flit in and out of their nests, each taking care of their young brood, but rarely being there at the same time. You and your spouse can co-parent right in the family home in a manner that might mimic a future custody arrangement. For instance, the likely custodial parent could stay in the house for the weekdays while the future non-custodial parent stays with friends, family, or at another residence. Then on the weekend that parent stays in the house while the other one leaves. The children have the stability of remaining in their own home while they gradually get used to the idea of eventually not living with both parents at the same time.
Setting boundaries
Important boundaries and agreements need to be reached in order for this arrangement to work. If you utilize mediation or collaborative law for your divorce, your mediator or attorney can help you frame the agreement to cover important issues in order to ensure success for this arrangement during the divorce process.
You and your spouse will need separate spaces, including a bedroom, workspace, bathroom, and storage/closets. Obviously, spouses should do their own laundry and take care of keeping their own spaces clean. But chores involving the children or upkeep of the house could be divided. For instance, you may choose to eat together and take turns making dinner and cleaning up. Alternatively, each parent could take turns having dinner with the children. One parent feeds the children and cleans up, then the other parent makes his or her own food and cleans up (or eats out).
Schedule use of shared spaces, like the living room or game room. You can also schedule time when the children will be in the space with the parent.
Rules of behavior are as important as or more important than rules about living arrangements and chores. There should be a prohibition on unkind or negative comments directed at the other spouse. Certainly no yelling, and absolutely no violence. Even if a spouse’s name is on the title, emotional or physical abuse could be justification for removing that spouse from the premises permanently.
If you’re thinking of a shared living arrangement during your divorce, reach out to us at our Doylestown, Bucks County office at (215) 345-5259 so that we can help you. We’ll listen to the details of your situation. We can then determine if mediation or collaborative law is the right approach for your divorce and help you develop a living arrangement that suits your situation. Your initial consultation is free.