Set Goals Before Your Divorce Begins

In the midst of the emotions and the details involved in ending a marriage, individuals and couples can lose sight of their goals. This is why I encourage all my clients to prepare ahead of time with big-picture goals, so they can navigate the details and stay on course. 

What are your goals for post-divorce?

It’s important to start by knowing what you want your life to look like after your divorce in order to make the right choices along the way.

• What will matter to you 10 to 20 years from now?
• What lifestyle do you want to have?
• If you have children, what are your goals for them post-divorce?
• How much custody do you want, and how much can you reasonably expect?
• Do you want your spouse to remain nearby so the children can have regular and easy access to both parents, or do you want more distance, due to unhealthy circumstances for the children?

Don’t limit yourself to these questions. Think about your own life and your own dreams. These are what will keep you on track during the emotional rollercoaster that the divorce process can be. 

What are your goals for divorce outcome?

Think about what matters to you – the most important outcomes you want from the divorce.

• What are your non-negotiables? These are the things that are absolutely critical to you. It could be a certain custody arrangement, keeping the family house or other assets, or anything else that really matters to you.
• What do you believe are your spouse’s non-negotiables? If you both want full custody, or you both want the house or the boat, you can’t both be satisfied. Think about what you would be willing to negotiate in order to get your non-negotiable.
• What do you think matters to both of you? For instance, if you know you and your spouse both care about the children having a good education, that can help you work together to keep divorce costs down and provide enough support for the children.
• What isn’t important to you that you think would be important to your spouse? This could be used as leverage in negotiation.
• What financial situation do you hope to be in after the divorce? Be realistic. If you are a stay-at-home parent, you may have to plan to work at some point to help cover expenses. However, if your children are young, it’s reasonable to want to continue to stay home for a time. You will need to have a thorough picture of your financial position going into negotiation in order to request an appropriate level of support.

What are your goals for during the divorce?

While emotions run high in divorce and there is often the temptation to want to make the other person feel as badly as you do, this attitude is not going to help you reach your divorce settlement goals or your long-term goals. It will not help you to heal and move on afterward. Think about how you want the divorce process to look.

• Can my spouse and I communicate calmly enough to negotiate a divorce?
• Is it important to both of us to save money in the divorce process so we can afford to “put our own children through college instead of putting our divorce lawyers’ children through college” (as the old saying goes)?
• Should we choose mediation? In divorce mediation, the mediator is an expert in divorce law who guides the couple through the process by facilitating discussion and providing legal information – not advice – to help the couple negotiate in a way that is fair for both parties.
• Should we choose collaborative law? In a collaborative divorce, each party engages a lawyer to provide legal advice, but both parties and lawyers are committed to avoiding litigation – that is, going to court. In collaborative law, other experts may also be engaged, such as mental health or finance experts, to help come to a fair settlement.
• Should we litigate? From my experience, I have become convinced that most divorces can and should avoid litigation, which is why I offer mediation and collaboration services. Litigated divorces are the most expensive and most contentious divorces, and in the end, a judge who does not know you and has had very little time to review your case will make decisions about your life that will affect you and your children for years to come, and over which you have no control. Mediation and collaboration put you in control of your life.

Taking time to create goals for the divorce process and your post-divorce life will help you navigate this stressful time more peacefully and will help you land on your feet, heal, and move on more quickly. Contact our Doylestown, PA office at (215) 345-5259 to see how we can help you.