Pennsylvania: Co-parenting with a Narcissist After Divorce
Parenting does not end after the divorce. Decision making about your children and their needs can feel daunting for even the most respectful of divorced parents. Complications ensue if one or both of the parents have narcissistic traits or even just a vindictive streak.
A blog posted by Dr. Erin Leonard in Psychology Today about narcissistic co-parenting made me think about strategies for clients facing separation and post-divorce co-parenting. One of the most common – and costly (in terms of legal fees) – distractions for a parent engaged in a custody battle is acknowledging or responding to a narcissistic co-parent’s jabs, threats and opinions. The narcissist’s goal is to maintain power over the ex-spouse by goading or undermining in a way he or she knows will evoke a response, perhaps a text or email that can then later be used against the ex-partner.
Children are always losers in this emotional tug of war. Try to be the fully functional parent and avoid all participation in such interchanges, especially in front of your children. Keep texts and social media interchange to neutral discussions of logistics. Don’t respond in any written form to emotional venting from the other side. On the other hand, keep copies of all written threats and abuse you receive in a file in case you should ever need it to show the court a pattern of abuse.
If you are co-parenting with a narcissist, I agree with Erin Leonard’s recommendation that you prepare yourself best by expecting such nasty texts, emails or phone conversations. You’ll be less tempted to respond if you aren’t blindsided.
Leonard discusses the power of manipulative guilt in her blog. This is another common distraction for clients. A parent who attempts to enlist their children against the other parent or likes to crow about all they do for their kids that you don’t do is looking to engage every divorced parent’s deep pool of guilt. Again, resist responding – or asking your lawyer to respond to minor verbal baiting – and find therapy or support groups that help you honor your own good parenting choices.
In Pennsylvania, you can now ask the court to assign a parent coordinator to your custody dispute if the issues are relatively minor, such as drop off and pickup issues or disagreements about extracurricular activities. I’ve written elsewhere about the value and limitations of a parent coordinator.
An uninterested, third party such as a parent coordinator might be a great tool for a parent grappling with a manipulative ex-partner. After all, a narcissist’s number one goal is to present themselves as blameless and above reproach, so he or she will be on their best behavior.
In the end, though, the best thing you can do for your children post-divorce is be there for them emotionally. Make a point of providing the listening ear and validating parental response they are not receiving from their other parent. Help them develop into mature, emotionally balanced adults – in spite of the divorce or dysfunctional parenting.
If you need to change your Custody Agreement or file your first Custody Complaint with the court, I offer a free first consult to discuss your situation. Please contact my office at 215-345-5259 to schedule a free appointment, and I’ll be glad to help you sort out your co-parenting issues.
– Elissa C. Goldberg, Esquire
Law Office of Elissa C. Goldberg
107 North Broad Street, Suite 211
Doylestown, PA 18901