Is Separation the Beginning or the End?

Sometimes separation is a cooling off period for feuding spouses. Sometimes it is a substitute for divorce. According to a 2012 study by graduate student Dmitry Tumin of Ohio State University, about 79 % of married couples who separate end up getting divorced.

In Pennsylvania, you don’t need to file legal papers to prove you are separated. But you do need to know if you are ready to turn what sociologist Tumin calls “a typical part of the divorce process” into the divorce itself.

According to Tumin, the small percentage of separated couples who reconcile do so within three years. “In fact, we don’t observe any separations that end with the couple getting back together after a three-year period, so three years is the point of no return,” Tumin told USA Today when he presented his findings in 2012. “After three years, the only outcomes observed are ongoing separation or divorce.”

Tumin also noted that women who are mothers of small children are far more likely to choose separation over divorce, at least at first.

This is a pattern I see in my practice. A couple pulls apart emotionally, often followed by physical separation, then legal divorce. So how do you know you are ready to move forward? Pop psychologist and author Thomas Merrill says that a divorce has two components, emotional and legal, and each component has several stages. On his website, he provides a flow chart to help you understand which emotional phase you are facing. There comes a point where legal counsel is necessary, and that is usually when a couple starts thinking about property and assets held in common.

In other words, the emotional split has already begun when a spouse chooses an attorney to represent him or her. It is important to choose a lawyer who deals predominantly with family law, as their expertise and experience in everything from filing fees to nuances of custody law will save you time and money. It’s also important to pick someone with whom you feel compatible, as you will place more confidence in their advice.

My office in Bucks County, PA. offers traditional litigation and divorce services. But I am also a mediator and a proponent of collaborative law, so I can help in multiple ways. Both mediation and collaborative law require spouses to sit and talk to each other. Both approaches keep the doors of communication open, providing the emotional feedback of being heard and recognized.

In my experience, nothing moves the divorce process along faster – and thus more cheaply – than a willingness on both sides to be frank, respectful and practical.

So wherever you are in the separation process, we can help.

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