How to “Win” Your Divorce
Popular movies and TV series make litigating a divorce seem like a war in which one side inflicts a crushing defeat on the other, leaving one spouse feeling vindicated and victorious and the other humiliated and poor. While this makes for good entertainment, it is simply not true in the real world here in Bucks County, PA.
The truth is, in a contentious divorce, neither party “wins,” least of all the children. Court divorces cost a lot of money and can take a very long time to finalize because the court system is completely overwhelmed. The adversarial nature of a court “battle” deepens emotional scars. In the end, neither spouse is ever really happy with the judge’s decision, but since they turned over the control of their lives to the judge, they have to abide by the court’s final judgment. On top of all that, divorce proceedings are public record, which means anyone can read court transcripts from your divorce.
The only way to win in your divorce is to keep control in your own hands. Mediation allows you to create a win-win scenario, limit emotional distress, save a great deal of money, and protect your privacy. Expectation and preparation are key in negotiating a successful divorce settlement.
Setting yourself up for the “win”
First, recognize that you probably won’t get everything on your wishlist. Create a well-considered list of non-negotiable items, other things you’d really like but could bend on, and items you believe your spouse would really want that could be useful bargaining chips. If you both want the same “non-negotiable” item (say, the family home) one of you will have to bend on that, but you could negotiate for several other high-level items in return. This is the beauty of mediation.
Next, come prepared with a thorough list of assets and debts, including supporting documents and proposals for custody and visitation, child support, and spousal support. Be sure to have evidence or documentation to support your proposals. The stronger your arguments, the more success you will have, but again, expect to make concessions. You will not get 100% of your initial proposal, so be ready to be flexible.
Take advantage of your mediator’s expertise. While a mediator does not have to be a lawyer, at the Law Office and Mediation Services of Elissa C. Goldberg, I am an attorney as well as an experienced mediator. I can advise you on advice based on years of mediating divorces successfully. Ask me questions. Don’t try to figure it all out yourself. And please be cautious about taking the advice of well-meaning friends and family who are not in the negotiating room with you and do not have experience mediating divorces. Turn to them for emotional support, not legal advice.
Finally, consider that your spouse may not be in the same place as you are emotionally. Much like the process of mourning, the emotional process of accepting divorce goes through various stages. It is common for one spouse to have been thinking about divorce longer than the other, and therefore that spouse has had more time to work through this process. As difficult as it may be, show compassion to each other as you go through this trying time for your family.
By following these steps through mediation, you can be confident of “winning” in your divorce: by saving money and time, allowing space for emotional healing, and negotiating so that everyone benefits. Call our Bucks County PA office at (215) 345-5259 for a complimentary consultation to see how we can help you.