How to Help Your Children Through Divorce
There’s no way to prevent your children from experiencing emotional distress from your divorce, just as there is no way to prevent yourself from being distressed in some way. In many divorces, those in which the couple has been very unhappy or there has been a lot of conflict, there may be a sense of relief that the ongoing shouting and fighting at home isn’t happening anymore. But of course, no one gets married and has children expecting to get divorced, so the pain and sorrow are inevitable, for both you and your children. What is important is to find healthy ways to work through the emotions and not make them worse. Your children will heal if you can support them through the divorce process.
Age matters
Keep in mind your children’s ages and ability to process information. Think about their level of dependence on you and what outside relationships they may have that will help them cope.
Small children, up through preschool and sometimes beyond, are very dependent on their parents and cannot understand complex adult relationships. If they see their father walk out for the last time after a fight over taking out the trash, they will likely think that was the cause of his leaving. If Mommy decides to divorce Daddy after a parent-teacher meeting, the child will likely blame himself, simply because of the proximity to the school event.
Elementary school children are more able to reason things through than younger children, but they will try to find reasons for the breakup, based on very limited knowledge. They want to make sense of what is going on in order to find equilibrium and rationale.
High school children and older may have seen the divorce coming and may be able to recognize the reasons, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy for them to accept. In some cases, older children react more negatively, having had both parents together for their whole lives and perhaps even remembering better days.
What to tell children
Children do not want to be involved in their parents’ divorce, and they should not be told any unnecessary details. They have the right to love both their parents, even if both parents don’t love each other.
It is very important to make sure your children know that your breakup has nothing to do with them, no matter what they may think. Give them a brief, age-appropriate explanation about why you are divorcing, without any sordid details. Try not to place blame. If there is an obvious problem, like your spouse having a drug or alcohol problem, you may have to mention that, but try not to make your spouse sound like a “bad person.”
Continually stress that both of you love them and always will. Admit that there will be some difficult changes, but that your love is one thing that will never change.
Give your children time to ask questions and answer them as honestly as possible without sharing information that they are unable to process at their age or that is just inappropriate for children to know about their parents. For instance, do not talk about your sex life with your children or your feelings of being alienated, ignored, or disrespected. Your children don’t need to hear that.
Expect strong emotional reactions and support them in their feelings. Tell them you are feeling that way, too. But in time, you will all heal.
How to help children cope
Children will react in different ways, so watch for signs and be sure to help the children through. Some children will suppress their feelings in order to not hurt you; others will become angry and lash out. You may see signs of sorrow, fear, anxiety, frustration, loss of self-control. Young children might lash out at younger siblings or schoolmates.
You may also see changes in your children’s health, often caused by stress or anxiety. Changes in eating habits, stomachaches, difficulty concentrating in school, or behavioral changes in school might be signs that your child is in distress.
Continue to encourage your children to talk about their feelings. If you don’t think you’re providing your child with the help he or she needs, engage professional help. Find a counselor who specializes in helping children cope with divorce, and consider family counseling. It may be helpful if both parents attend the counseling, even if they do so separately, so that both know what your child needs.
Don’t use your child as a mediator between you and your ex, using the child to relay information. Talk to your ex, or send a written note that the child can carry to your ex, but it is not the child’s job to intercede.
Some parents will undermine their ex in the eyes of their children, but this is cruel. Your children should not be in the middle of the battle between you. If you put your child in the middle, he or she will take longer to recover in the long run and may end up alienated from both of you.
A parent may consciously or unconsciously engage in parental alienation by:
- Sharing unflattering information about the other parent
- Making the child feel guilty for loving the other parent
- Putting obstacles in the way of seeing or talking to the other parent
- Telling a child that the other parent doesn’t want to see him or her
- Planning activities on the weekend when the child is supposed to be with the other parent
- Not allowing the child to take favorite items to the other parent’s house
- Keeping secrets from the other parent, whether that be important documents or important events, such as when a school play, teacher conference, or big game takes place
We can put language in your divorce settlement that can prevent many of the most common behaviors that can cause parental alienation.
At the Law Office and Mediation Services of Elissa C. Goldberg, LLC located in Doylestown, PA, we specialize in family law, including divorce mediation and collaboration as well as child custody, child support, and adoption. In our law practice involving children and families, we focus on creating as positive an environment as possible to help both parents and children weather the difficult process of divorce with minimal problems. Contact us today at (215) 345-5259 for a complimentary phone consultation.