Holidays Can Reignite Custody Battles

Holidays – and parental expectations about them – can reignite custody battles. This is true even in relatively amicable divorces.

December is particularly fraught with such struggles, since media, entertainment and retail mediums are so focused on projecting ideas of what a family holiday should be. This puts pressure and expectations on children and parents alike. Whether parents are celebrating a faith holiday or a secular one, child participation in family events can become a flash point for divorced parents.

My suggestion is to stick to the agreed upon plan. If for any reason this becomes impossible or impracticable, BE FLEXIBLE. If one parent needs to move a drop off or pickup time a few hours, consider compromising for the sake of the children. This is the hardest advice to accept when one parent perceives the other is using the kids as pawns in a power struggle they had hoped ended with the divorce.

For instance, if parent A contacts parent B to indicate a rarely seen relative (a sister, a grandparent) is unexpectedly in town to share the holidays and they’d like an extra half day or meal for children to visit, the best thing to do is talk about it. If a new Custody Stipulation or amendment to an existing one is needed, I can prepare one. Judges will look more kindly on the parents who have shown they did their best to work things out first. Both parents agreeing to a Stipulation in advance is also the best way to speed any custody adjustments through the courts.

One last thought – the role grandparents play in your child or children’s lives is subject to the judgment of the parents. It’s unusual for a grandparent to be part of any Custody Stipulation, which means their wish to see grandchildren over the holidays may be of lower priority than they wish. Nurturing extended family relationships for your children when the nuclear family is divided can be tricky, but beneficial. Studies of children of divorce have shown that children crave the reassurance of knowing their larger family is still intact, even if their parents are no longer together.