Giving the Kids of Divorced Parents What They Really Need for the Holidays

If you are divorced or getting a divorce and you have children, you’re probably burdening yourself with a lot of worry and guilt over how it will affect the kids. This is a normal feeling for any good parent. But you don’t have to feel that way, and it would actually be better for the children if you didn’t. In my personal experience and my experience as a divorce attorney and mediator, I have discovered that there are a few things you need to do for your children to make sure their holidays, and yours, are enjoyable and memorable. 

Prepare Ahead

Especially if this is the first big holiday after your separation or divorce – Christmas, New Years, etc. – it’s really important to prepare your children. Depending on their age or emotional understanding, you may have to do this several times or in small bites. 

Honor Tradition, but Celebrate Newness

Explain to the children that some things will be different this year, but some things will remain the same. Tradition and routine are critical for a child’s sense of security, and with so much else being turned upside down in their lives, you’ll need to find some things that really matter to the children that you can maintain. Favorite recipes, holiday movies, decorations – get the children to tell you what their favorite traditions are. 

Some things will have to change, of course. And some things they want to keep the same won’t be possible. But brainstorm together about some new traditions. Do it with a spirit of excitement and adventure! This will help the kids look forward to the holidays with much more hope and expectation. When it’s time to actually perform the new tradition, really build it up. “That was really fun! I look forward to doing that next year!” Consider brainstorming ways to tweak it to make it even better next time.

Recognize Children Are Emotional About This, Too

The divorce or separation may be hard for you, but it’s hard for them, too. You may have seen or heard anger or guilt from your children already. These feelings should not be amplified over the holidays. Helping your children recognize that the divorce is not their fault is something that needs to be worked on over time. “Divorce is an adult problem, not a kid problem. It is not caused by what a child does.” This takes time to sink in. 

A child’s anger or guilt may be worsened by things you or your ex say. Your children may feel guilty for leaving you alone on New Year’s Eve, for instance. If you say, “Oh, no, I’m going to have a great time alone here!” then they might feel angry that you will have fun without them. So strike a middle ground. “Yes, I will miss you. But I want you to have lots of fun! Just as we came up with some new traditions that were fun, I’m going to come up with some new traditions, too. So I’ll be fine! And we will have lots of fun together tomorrow. So have a great time today, ok?” A loving, joyful send-off, with no tears on your part (that they see) will help them have a good time without feeling either guilt for leaving you alone or anger that you are not with them. 

Gift-Giving May Change, But You’re What They Really Want for Christmas

Depending on your financial situation, you may have to roll back a bit on the quantity or extravagance of the gifts. If the children are old enough to understand financial things, they should understand – although they may not like it. Talk to them about what top items they might like and be more focused in your giving. If you celebrate Christmas and your children are young and still believe in Santa, you may have to tread carefully. It may not be the time to destroy their belief in Santa at the same time as the divorce. But usually, younger children don’t notice if items are less expensive. Help them to focus on what is most important to them on their wish list. 

More than anything, your children want YOU. If you can prepare the children ahead of time, keep some stable traditions while beginning new ones, and focus on a joyful, positive emotional environment full of love and fun, your children will have a wonderful holiday season. Because holidays are about love and family, and that’s all they really need.