Being a Great Parent When You Have a Difficult Ex

Once your divorce is finalized here in Bucks County, PA, you and your ex may still have contact as you wrap up post-divorce issues and also co-parent children.  A “difficult ex” can come in a variety of forms: one who is unreliable and inconsistent; who doesn’t spend enough time with the kids; who lavishes the children with gifts and has no boundaries; who undermines or badmouths you; or a combination of the above. Whatever type your “difficult ex” is, if you’re struggling to co-parent, there are certain parenting practices you should keep in mind. 

Manage expectations. Don’t expect your ex to change. You may occasionally be surprised, but for the most part, an “absentee dad/mom” before the divorce will probably remain an “absentee dad/mom” after the divorce, or whatever the issue may be. Keep these habits of behavior in mind while you are communicating with your ex and with your children as well as when making plans or decisions. 

Maintain a paper trail. Whenever possible, communicate by email or text with your co-parent rather than by phone or in person. Written communication has the two-fold advantage of giving you time to calm down and respond thoughtfully and carefully while also providing you with written proof of your conversation. Treat your interaction with your ex as you would a business transaction, remaining respectful and calm, not allowing yourself to be baited, bribed, or tricked. 

Put your children first. This means maintaining consistency in their schedules and rules. If you have a permissive ex who allows the kids to do anything they want and lavishes them with gifts, you may be tempted to be more lax. But don’t be. Your children need you to be their rock, even if they don’t realize it yet. You’re the adult. Be the adult in their lives, even if their other parent is acting like a child. And remember, your children have the right to be children, with children’s thoughts and concerns, not adult concerns. Try as much as possible to give them that room.

Model what you want your children to become. You want to show your children how to be strong, resilient, and respectful adults. Therefore, no matter how difficult it may be, you need to model this when interacting with your ex. Never badmouth your ex in front of the children, and whenever possible try to highlight any good traits he or she has. Do not argue with your ex in front of the children. Remind him or her that you will discuss it via email (or whatever other paper trail you have devised. There are communication platforms specifically designed for divorced parents to communicate and share important documents, all with a paper trail). 

Consider if co-parenting is possible. Evaluate whether co-parenting is working. You may find that your ex’s behavior is making it very difficult to raise your children to be healthy, happy adults. Or you may find that your ex repeatedly breaks mediated or court-ordered agreements. In these cases, talk to your attorney or mediator about what options you have to change the agreement.

Have a support system. Dealing with a difficult ex can be emotionally draining. Having a healthy support system consisting of friends and family is critically important for you to be your best version of yourself for your children. 

If you have problems with your co-parent and you’re not sure what you can do, reach out to us here at the Law Office and Mediation Services of Elissa C. Goldberg. We are waiting to help you.