Reasons for Divorce are Few and Many

Divorce has many causes. Yet the majority of my clients’ marriages seem to have failed for three reasons: A struggle for control, disputes over money or alcohol/drug addiction, or a combination thereof. Identifying the emotional sticky points is often key to successful legal negotiations.

By control, I mean there is a power struggle in the relationship, typically one spouse demanding more power than the other is willing or able to give.

Depending on which psychological studies you read, disagreement over money is either the No. 1 reason for marital strife or among the top two or three common causes.

Addictions of any kind -particularly drugs and alcohol – wreak havoc on marriages. Many times I’ve sat across the table from a devastated spouse trying to regain control over the lost flow of their life. This situation is particularly sad when both partners still love each other, but cannot overcome, tame, or otherwise come together in spite of the addiction.

The law only deals with the visible results of a marriage, such as assets, debts and children. Yet it would be naïve to think it possible to navigate completely around emotional motivations in negotiating a divorce settlement.

This is in part why I chose to add collaborative law to my practice. In collaborative law, the parties can include at the table someone specifically trained to navigate the emotional terrain of divorce. By agreeing to stay out of court, both parties in essence can hold their own “court.” Litigated divorce separates the parties and reduces communication to letters and phone calls until the day of a hearing. Collaborative Law puts spouses in the same room at the same time and includes “witnesses” (i.e., lawyers and guides) who have the common goal of resolution.

Regardless of the process, most relationships that end up on the shoals do so because of disagreement over money, control, or the intrusion of addiction. I offer these observations as to how each can affect the divorce:

*A need to control a partner or feuds over money usually have roots in each individual’s history BEFORE they married. Control issues seem to stem from fear, while money issues are usually symbolic conflicts over the values that money embodies for each person. Spend some time thinking about whether your objection to a particular compromise or topic is more about the past than the present situation. Taking the long view can get you past what seems insurmountable disagreements.

*If the spouse you are divorcing is seeking to bully or otherwise control you, be sure to arm yourself with proper legal and financial representation. The best deals are negotiated when there is a balance of power at the negotiating table.

*Try to separate what money represents to you from what money actually is: a means to an end. You are interested in what money can buy, such as lifestyle, medical services, education, travel or retirement.

*Addiction is the toughest, as both spouses typically feel out of control and one typically feels betrayed. There are both psychological and physiological aspects to addiction, which complicates matters. Setting a calm tone of dialogue seems extremely important in these situations, at least for the non-addicted spouse, who is typically trying to re-establish a sense of normalcy in their lives.