Mediation I Don’t Want a Divorce so Why Should I Mediate?

Mediation in divorce can be the simplest way to re-establish communication, stay out of court and preserve privacy. Divorce, like marriage, is what you make of it, and is dependent on factors like compatibility, temperament and personality type.

For a spouse who does not want a divorce, resistance may feel the only way to take back control of an escalating situation. The inner thinking might go something like this: “You are inflicting this separation on me. I did not ask for it. I do not want it. You are making me feel like it’s all my fault, when I did not even know this was going on. I won’t go to a therapist who will now make me feel worse.”

There’s much awry with this thinking, understandable as it may be. The important point here is that a divorce mediator is NOT a therapist. Their role is to facilitate conversation, teach communication skills and de-escalate emotions so the tasks to be accomplished can be seen clearly.

In every divorce, the legal issues, financial tasks and custody issues to be surmounted follow a basic flow. Two people at odds must find a way to discuss how and when to dissolve their marriage, how to divide assets, and how to handle custody and current and future expenses related to children.

If mediation goes well, it can also help set the tone for future co-parenting post divorce.

It isn’t logical or even reasonable to expect divorcing partners to have no emotion surrounding these choices. A good divorce mediator, however, will give you both a chance to process the impact of separating and make you feel more in control of your own outcome, at a time you feel most vulnerable.

In this sense, there is an emotionally calming aspect to divorce mediation. A spouse can always follow up with a trained psychotherapist to process their remaining emotions. But the divorce mediator’s role, at least in Pennsylvania, is to get a couple through the painful financial and legal decisions necessary to get to a better future apart from each other.

Litigation may seem the more natural choice for a spouse who is angry. By its nature, though, litigation tends to entrench conflict, since so much focus is given to each party’s move. This is why it is also called “positional bargaining.” Sometimes that is the only way to preserve a person’s lawful rights in divorce.

Mediation, when both parties buy into the idea equally, is a faster way to arrive at the same end point. Feelings of anger, resentment, betrayal and the like are present regardless of the divorce process chosen. What mediation does is bring warring parties in from the battlefield and back to the drawing board.

In the end, it really does not matter which party initiated the divorce. What counts is a process that keeps both parties feeling they have control, advice and input. Mediation can do this.

Still unconvinced? Sometimes one spouse has to wait while the other gets to the point of accepting that the separation must occur. A good divorce coach can help reluctant spouses get to this moment.