Blindsided by Your Spouse’s Affair—What Next?
Whether it comes out of nowhere or confirms some uneasiness you’ve been feeling in your marriage, the discovery that your spouse has been having an affair can be a devastating experience. Marriage takes the highest level of trust; in traditional marriage vows, couples vow to remain together “for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do us part.” While the words may have changed over time, the sentiment is the same—I commit to you completely, forsaking all others. Betrayal of those vows can be crushing to the one who has been betrayed.
When you first discovered the affair, you probably felt shock, and your fight-or-flight reaction kicked in. Every negative emotion likely piled on: anger, grief, confusion, fear about the future, and worry about your next steps. You may have searched through your memory to figure out what you did wrong to deserve this. You may have tried to remember if there were any warning signs you missed, replaying past events. You may have realized that your spouse had been pretending or lying for quite a while to cover up the affair, furthering your heartbreak.
Before making any major life decisions, it’s important to reduce some of the most powerful emotions, like anger and fear. Calming techniques, such as breathing exercises, can help quiet the strongest reactions in the short term. Do these or other relaxation techniques any time those emotions begin to flood back again.
Turning to a very close family member or friend for support can give you the opportunity to acknowledge your feelings, grieve with someone who loves you, and begin to think clearly about the future.
What to do next
Your next step is to determine if you believe the marriage can be salvaged and whether you want to salvage it. At this stage, it is very important NOT to post anything on social media. Anything you post will not only make your private pain public, but it could also be harmful to your case in any future legal proceedings. Speak to close and trustworthy family and friends, or seek the help of a family or marriage therapist to help you decide your next steps.
It’s important to acknowledge your feelings and speak candidly with your spouse about them. Only by talking together will you know whether your marriage is worth saving and whether your trust can be rebuilt. A marriage therapist can play a very supportive role in this effort.
At the Law Office and Mediation Services of Elissa C. Goldberg, we help couples through divorce mediation every day. But we still encourage people to try marriage counseling or other support first, since divorce can impact your family, finances, and future so profoundly. We are always happy when a marriage can be saved! Otherwise, it’s our job to help mitigate the impact as much as possible, and we can help you create some peace in an otherwise chaotic time.
If divorce is the answer
Discovering your spouse has cheated on you can cause severe damage to your self-esteem and make you feel powerless about your future. If you decide divorce is the best option, mediation is often your best route to take back some of that sense of self-worth and self-determination about your future.
In my experience, I have found that as long as a couple can talk, divorce mediation can work. If one partner is manipulative, dishonest, or abusive, it is best to have legal counsel. Sometimes that means collaborative law, and sometimes it means litigation. But at the Law Office and Mediation Services of Elissa C. Goldberg, we discourage litigation if at all possible and offer both mediation and collaborative practice.
Litigation at court is extremely expensive and combative, can take years to resolve, and leaves you at the mercy of the judge’s decision. Litigation significantly increases stress and emotional pain, is a public record so that anyone can read about the most private and painful details of your life, and usually leaves both parties unsatisfied, since their future is determined by the judge rather than themselves.
Both mediation and collaborative law leave the power in your hands, cost significantly less than litigation, are much faster, and are entirely private. In collaboration, each spouse has a legal representative, and all parties commit to staying out of court. In mediation, the couple talks with each other and negotiates their divorce with the guidance and support of a professional mediator.
If you believe that divorce is in your future, I encourage you to set up a complimentary consultation with us to discuss your case and determine which approach is best for your divorce. Our goal at the Law Office and Mediation Services of Elissa C. Goldberg is to help you quickly resolve your divorce in the most beneficial manner, leaving you with plenty of time, money, and emotional well-being to start your new stage in life. Reach out to our Doylestown, Bucks County office at (215) 345-5259 to see how we can help you.