Managing Conflict in Mediation

Divorce mediation is a powerful tool for resolving your Bucks County divorce quickly and with less expense and less conflict than going to court. However, divorce by nature involves strong emotions, and conflicts can occur. As a licensed divorce mediator with years of experience, I have been able to help people work through their differences, come to healthy resolutions, and develop a divorce agreement that everyone can be happy with.

Certain personality types and communication styles can threaten to derail the negotiation process. Well-honed mediation techniques help us work past these barriers and bottlenecks to keep the negotiation process moving. Some communication styles and behaviors that can stall the process include:

• Passive-aggressive behavior, such as procrastination and stalling
• Resistance to the process or lack of cooperation
• Negative comments, directed at the spouse or directed at the process
• Feeling like the victim / blaming
• Dominating or trying to control the process unilaterally

One of the best ways to overcome most of these patterns is to have clear communication ground rules and to enforce them. The rules of mediation include:

• Focus on the future: It is important to shift the focus away from past hurts that led to the divorce and focus on the future. Past hurts will not be discussed during mediation. What are each of your goals for the future? What do you hope to gain? Where do you see yourself in five years? This is where our focus will be.
• Come prepared: Have all your documentation together and determine your priorities and goals before our first session. I will coach each of you beforehand on how to do this. Create a very short list of non-negotiables, a slightly longer list of items you really want but could possibly negotiate, and a longer list of negotiables. You should also have a fairly good idea of what your spouse would likely put in each of those categories. As you create your lists and collect your documents, keep in mind the plans and goals you have for the future.
• Speak respectfully to each other: Rude or insulting language will not be tolerated. Underhanded comments that do not aid the negotiation process are also not permitted. This can be challenging in the first session or two, but drawing attention to them and suggesting alternative choices to communicate the same point helps both spouses develop a more productive communication style.
• Focus on the welfare of the children: Keeping in mind what is best for your children will also help keep the communication civil and the negotiation process on track.
• Stick to the facts, presented simply: This is where negativity, passive-aggressiveness, or blaming can creep back in. When determining how to divide assets, present your position in a factual manner, without negative embellishment. For example, “I believe the person who gets custody of the children should also have the vacation home/timeshare, since the children enjoy it so much” is sufficient without adding, “After all, you were never around anyway.”
• Both spouses have equal opportunity to speak and present opinions: It is often the case that when one spouse has a stronger personality, the other spouse refrains from speaking much, sometimes out of fear of creating additional conflict, sometimes out of habit from being interrupted or shot down in the past. Interrupting is not permitted in mediation. Each spouse has an opportunity to share his or her views. Conversely, stonewalling is also not permitted. Mediation is not the time for giving your spouse “the silent treatment.”

You may think that there is too much conflict in your marriage for mediation to work. But as an experienced divorce mediator, I have navigated many high-conflict divorces to successful settlements that satisfy both spouses and benefit all parties involved, usually within two to four sessions. Litigation in court is expensive, emotionally draining, and can drag on for years. These are strong incentives to avoid court-litigated divorce.

As an experienced divorce mediator, I guide my clients through the process, empowering them to decide their future rather than depending on a judge to decide their fate. Reach out to our Doylestown, Bucks County office at (215) 345-5259 to see how we can help you, too.