Introducing a New Relationship to Your Children after Divorce
As a divorced parent, one of your strongest desires is to see your children heal after a divorce and to grow as happy, healthy people. If you are in a new relationship, introducing a new flame to your children, regardless of their age, needs to be done very carefully in order to not damage the healing process.
What to do beforehand
Ideally, even before you or your ex start dating again, have a discussion together about when to introduce your children to a new significant other (see suggestions below). Both of you should be able to put the needs of your children before your own. If your ex is not on board with you, be prepared so you can help your children through tough introductions if/when your ex starts dating.
When you have a new relationship, talk to your special someone about your children, your ex, and your feelings about introducing him or her to your children. If the person really is special, he or she will want to make sure the introduction is successful as well.
Whether or not you talk to your children before introducing your new relationship really depends on your children and how long you’ve been divorced. If you’ve been divorced for a while and your children are a little older, or if they ask you if you’re going to date, you can tell them that you would eventually like to have another partner in your life, but assure them that your love for them is secure and unchanging.
You may have to remind them that Daddy and Mommy are not getting back together. If your ex has already started dating and they have not had a good experience with their other parent’s dates, talk to them about their feelings.
How long should you wait?
Don’t introduce your children to your new friend until you are sure the person is in it for the long run. This could mean 6 months or more of dating before introductions take place. You don’t want your children to start to like another adult figure in their lives and then lose the person again. Talk to your new partner about your concerns and, as mentioned above, make sure he or she is committed to your vision of a slow, careful introduction.
You may have to ask yourself some hard questions about this person: Is he or she a good fit for my children and my family? Does this person show sensitivity towards my concerns for my children? Is this person compassionate and anxious to have a strong and healthy bond with my children? No matter how much you like this person, if the answer to any of these questions is no, he or she is probably not the right one for you. Don’t settle for anything less than someone who will love, respect, and support both you and your children, because you’re a package deal.
Introducing slowly
Depending on your children, their ages and personalities, and the length of time you’ve been divorced, you may decide to tell your children outright that you would like them to meet someone who is special to you. Another alternative is to introduce your new partner in a casual group setting as a “friend.” For instance, if you have a picnic and invite five or six adult friends, you could introduce your new partner as a friend and let the children get used to him or her.
Whether your children know ahead of time or not, the first few meetings should be in casual group settings or public places. Avoid showing affection during the first few meetings. Once you see that your children have a positive attitude regarding your special someone, have a couple of events with just you two and the children, again in a public or casual setting, such as going to a movie or having a picnic. Have them interact in fun ways – throwing a ball in the park, going bowling, seeing animals in the zoo.
Your child’s heart
By going slowly, you should be able to avoid your children seeing this new relationship as a rival for your time, attention, and love. Continue to have quality time alone with your children, focused only on them, without mentioning your new partner. They need to know they still own your heart. At the same time, they need to know that love is not a limited commodity. The more you love, the more it grows so you can love more people. Help them understand that your love for them actually helps you grow in love so you can love other people, too – like this new special person.
This explanation, along with a slow and careful introduction, may give them the peace and confidence they need to allow another adult into their lives and their hearts. This will give you the opportunity to add your special someone to your lives and to grow as a happy and healthy family together.