When Divorcing Parents Disagree about the Children
The fact of the matter is, if you disagreed about the children before your divorce, you are probably going to disagree after the divorce. However, it is imperative that you find some common ground while you’re going through the divorce process because if you can’t come to an agreement, the divorce could go before a judge who will make these decisions for you. You have no control over what the judge will decide, and you probably won’t like it. Mediation is the best method for coming to agreements that divorcing parents can both live with.
5 Areas of Disagreement
Parents disagree on many things about childrearing. In my experience, these are the top five categories and some examples:
Discipline: Whether a parent is too strict or too lenient; whether parents should spank, punish, or reward children; whether parents should shout; how to deal with tantrums
Respecting Authority: What to do when one parent says no and the child asks the other parent who says yes (this particular issue will probably be accentuated when parents are living apart unless clear parameters are set)
Healthcare: COVID-19 response (this is a particular issue currently, as it is very common for one parent to be more cautious than the other regarding contraction and spread of this virus); vaccinations; when one parent is more likely to turn to medicine or doctors while the other is more hands-off, wanting to let the body heal itself
Activities and Education: What activities the child should be involved in and how often; whether one should force a child to be involved in an activity because it would be “good for him” or make the child “well-rounded” (i.e. piano lessons or a sport) when the child is not interested; how to deal with teacher feedback, poor grades, misconduct in school; college choices or other private education, and who will pay for it
Religious Practice: whether a child should be required to attend religious activities and at what age the child should be allowed to decide; what faith community the child should be raised in if parents hold different religious views; moral issues that the child is taught by either parent
These differences are very personal, sensitive, deep-seated, and not easily resolved. But as stated, if you cannot decide on these issues yourselves, a judge will decide what he or she considers is “in the best interests of the child,” which may differ from your own ideas.
How Does Mediation Help?
During mediation, your mediator, who is an expert in conflict resolution, acts as a facilitator to help you put all your concerns and differences on the table and help you walk through resolving them in a balanced way. Always keeping the child’s welfare first in mind, your mediator will provide any necessary legal information you may need and guide your discussion to address each of your concerns. A good mediator will also help you lay out procedures for future conflict resolution when issues arise in the future, such as who is notified in case of emergency, what issues require both parents to weigh in or give consent, etc.
Contact us here at The Law Office and Mediation Services of Elissa C. Goldberg in Doylestown, PA to discuss how our experts in Family and Collaborative Law, Mediation, and Child Custody can help you.